Existential Crises

I've been going through a bit of an existential crisis and I'm not sure how much of it is related to ditching Facebook.

Hmm. Fuck.

I haven't really missed the Endless Scroll. What to have missed is the ability to broadcast short thoughts, observations about my life, observations about life in general. I've always tried to be rather level-headed and honest about my representation of self on the internet, and that has resulted in Facebook being a sort of testing ground for my thoughts, no matter what those thoughts are. I'll often talk about current events or post a thing about my son, and people will give me some real-time feedback on that biz. When I was under the impression that people on my friends list had equal access to my stuff, that seemed valuable. Now that I know that my buddy and I could never see one another's posts and she's seeing stuff about how immigrants are stealing our jobs while I'm seeing propaganda more in line with my own political beliefs, I'm less sure. But I miss having that emotional tool in my toolbelt.

Being back on lockdown without a constant stream of updates from people I like is more difficult than I had anticipated. Being on lockdown in general is hard, but the scrolling on Facebook provided a sense of connection that I'm sorely missing right now. I'll often find myself thinking some stray thought and teaching for my phone to share it, but this monstrous website isn’t ideal for microblogging.

I'm frustrated with my work. I'm frustrated with this year. I'm frustrated with myself for not being… better than I am. I'm frustrated with a lot of things, but mostly with me. And I'm lonely. And I'm having some very upsetting nightmares lately.

Some of this is definitely coming from missing that dopamine hit from the likey-subscribeys, but it's also stemming from a general lack of direction and loss of control. Since my wife left I've largely felt adrift and unsure of anything - all of my plans prior to that point got scrapped and all of the things I've done since were reactions rather than purposeful action. I have no plans. I feel trapped on this island and in this city, a feeling intensified by the lockdown.

And I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. So I'm not doing anything.